Reverse Beard Styles: For the Internet! (FTW)

I have slowly, over the course of a few weeks, come to the conclusion that I must shave my beard. The problems with beards are not so severe that greater men haven’t been able to overcome them, however, I just hate not knowing if boogers are on my upper lip. Or peanut butter on my face. And I am looking for a job, which is difficult when you look like a ruffian.

Being generous and holding firmly the belief that knowledge is power, I have decided to share my newly-acquired beard power with the whole of the Internets by documenting my progressive de-bearding through various stages of reverse- and not-so-reverse beard styles.

Ahem. First we shall discuss the supplies necessary to successfully and creatively debeard oneself. Observe the following photograph (for demonstration purposes only):

Supplies (clockwise from hippie):

A lovely assistant
Phial of herbs
Scissors
Gillette Mach 3 Power (the best razor ever)
One (1) Deluxe Eye and Face Massager
Electric shaver
Sample bottle of Irish Creme Liquer
One (1) tall boy with a dragon on it

Now, you can get any tall boy you would like, but in this instance, the Kirin Ichiban was cheaper than the Steel Reserve, and drinking foreign beer makes you cool. And my beer had a dragon on it, which can be used for reference when designing facial hair. At this point, we had to allow our camera battery to charge, so we took the opportunity to fashion a cigarette out of our herbs, incinerate, and inhale it. Face, ho!

Let me begin with the reverse George Clooney:

This is not my favorite beard style, but it’s quite popular. It requires very little skill, and happens all by itself. It’s where I began, beer in hand, so I figured I’d document it.

That brings us to the most hairy of my designer styles, the Reverse Hitler:

A marvel of facial hair engineering. This style is all the rave with the kids. You all must wear a Reverse Hitler. Support Israel with your face. Wear a Reverse Hitler.

For the apolitical, I give you the Reverse Landing Strip, which is really a combo of the Reverse Hitler with a Reverse Skidmark:

This is not my favorite one, but it’s utilitarian. It eliminates almost all chin dribble and booger-catching. Opting for a slightly wider landing strip would make it even more useful.

This next one is for the painfully socially conscious southern lad–The Reverse Hilter, Reverse Skidmark and Reverse Muttonchops:

Verily, a slam-dunk of facial social commentary. For the man who not only rejects the social stereotypes of oppression of the 20th century, but is willing to ape them by etching their opposites like topiary dinosaurs on his face.

Now, I’m calling this one the Kirin Ichiban, which I’m assuming is Japanese for Flying Deer Lizard:

Notice how I’ve bagged a hottie by this point. And I am drinking beer with gusto and sexiness. I also noticed at this point how much cooler I was than everyone else, which caused me to look down my nose at people. Truly a treat. Best facial hair ever. I will probably do this again if I’m ever famous. It’s real famous guy hair.

In case this facial hair is not already named, I’m christening it the Skeeter:

As in, “Himo nay tuh beeu fo tha’ shit right there, Skeeter!” It’s an excellent choice for those of you who are looking to tell Fayugs to Skee-daddle. And/or loiter around the business end of a glory hole. Accessorize accordingly.

I couldn’t resist the following, which will remain unnamed, for I am speechless:

Speaking of supporting foreign entities with your face, this facial hair clearly communicates your intentions to any and all ladies in the hizzouse. It not only SCREAMS that you are a sex machine, it indicates you are an orally-fixated sex-machine. Not that this will ever bag you any honeys, it just puts any possible sexual innuendo right on your face for easy access by passersby. Lower lip puffs optional.

Finally, the Reverse Full Beard:

Really, this is my favorite. You have complete and total facial access. You can use your face to communicate emotions. You know when a booger is on your lip. You know when peanut butter is on your cheek. You are a veritable facial genius of sorts.

That is all. Thank you for participating. If you’re interested in more beardage, this guy is way more dedicated and methodical than I.

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May 23, 2008 | Filed Under nothing, rants