Why I will never work for Sears

I always thought Sears was cool. They have nice tools. They sell Dickies. It’s like a department store minus the gouging bordering on rape. However. I am in need of a job at the moment, and I applied there a couple weeks ago.

First off, their application software is bullshit. It is one of the least pleasant to use web interfaces I’ve used in a long time. Imagine if you will filling out all the forms on a page and pressing Enter, only to have it reload the page without all your information. This is not a metaphor. It actually happened to me. Which brings me to tip #1:

Never press Enter

OK. Then, I was a self-employed computer technician for several years, during which time I did some work for Gulf Coast Jewish Family Services as an on-call interpreter. Their software made me explain my period of unemployment after I stopped working for GCJFS. Which brings me to point #2:

If you ever have two jobs, terminate them both at the same time.

So I set an appointment for the following Tuesday at 12 noon. HR called me and changed the appointment to 6pm. I thought, ok, no big deal. I’m on top of my game right about mid-day, but whatever. Tip #3:

Fist-fight me in the late afternoon or early evening.

I arrived on-time for once, and the HR office was locked. About 5 minutes later, I was let inside. Another 10 minutes later, I was being interviewed, and 10 minutes after that, I was informed that they thought I was applying for cashier, not sales, could I please come back Friday at 6pm? Because the lady that’s supposed to interview me for sales is busy, cranky and rude today.

Friday rolls around, and I get to wait another 20 minutes for cranky lady to show up and interview me. Sears doesn’t tolerate tardiness. Another 15 or so are lost while toad-like people mill about trying to find my paperwork. Who is in charge of hiring? Nobody, apparently. I make it through the interview with Jabba (not referenced for obesity, just the general shape of her head, neck and shoulders), and I get to do another interview with the store owner. The store owner was awesome. We shot the shit. It was glorious. I thought, man this is going to be great after all. TIp #4:

No, it isn’t.

I filled out more paperwork, and they gave me my drug test form that I needed to take to the clinic on Monday, and I walked out of the door minutes before 9:30pm. Monday occurs, and I drink lots of water, because who knows what tiny little monkeys I have floating in my plasma? I spent $20 on a purifying beverage, for I am he who knoweth. I pee the right amount of times, and all that. Fast-forward to the clinic receptionist. She informs me that the form that Sears gave me needs to be filled out by Sears. So I must drive my form to Sears, find Jabba, have her fill out my form, reschedule my piss-based privacy invasion, buy another expensive beverage, go back the following day, and then I can start making sweet, sweet $6/hour, plus commission after I finish training, which apparently takes 2 weeks. Who takes 60 hours to learn how to sell electronics? Tip #5: